More Than Meets The First Time

My life is strange in that so much has happened and yet it seems as if nothing were happening at all. It’s only when I look back that I realize how much life I have actually lived. That’s crazy to me, because as I live my life it feels like a monotonous routine. But that’s not what this is about, to be quite honest, I don’t even know why I started this blog this way. I guess it’s just a way of letting you know that my life experiences are what have made me the way I am (as if you didn’t already know that, dammit, everyone is shaped by their experiences…anyways), because that’s what I want you to know. Who I am.

Most people think I am a quiet, reserved, and a very shy young man. That is actually a good assumption, because that’s what they see, how can they think otherwise when that’s what they were introduced to. That’s why I hate first impressions, because I will screw them up 99.9% of the time. The best shot I have at nailing a first impression is if you meet me while in the company of people who have already unlocked my walls. Yes the walls. The walls I wish I could tare down, but they keep popping up. The walls I subconsciously put up. I blame moving so much, and all the good-byes I had to endure. I have tried to beat it, and someday I will, but at the moment, this is me, and so my wish is for you to understand it. Not so much why I am this way, but understand that there is a better me behind the surface that seems so dull.

I am very open about my Youtube videos, and I don’t care who see’s them. It wasn’t always like that. When I first started, I didn’t tell anyone, it was just my way of escaping. The first comments I received on my videos where from my other account, telling myself that the videos were bad, but that I had potential. I laugh about it now, but it’s pretty sad. (I keep sharing these things that really have nothing to do with what I wanna get across, I don’t know why my doctor doesn’t believe me that I have ADD…idiot!) Since I am so open about my channel now, most people have seen at least one of my videos. The comment I get most often from those people is, “you’re so different in your videos”. The horrible part about it all is that I am not really putting an act for my videos. I exaggerate my personality, deepen my voice, and often make up jokes that aren’t necessarily based on my actual views. But for the most part, the guy who appears on screen is the real me. Or at least far closer than the quiet-shy guy most people think I am.

There’s not really a time frame for people to see the real me, or an exact time you have to spend with me so that I feel comfortable enough to be myself around you. There’s people that have been in my life for years, and all they’ve seen is a shy little boy. While there are people (far fewer though) who after a few conversations later have seen the insanity that is me. There’s not really a formula, and I hope that as my confidence grows, I will simply not care at all, and I will be myself ALL THE TIME. But I just wanted to inform you of the current situation. So if you meet that shy guy, just know that you could meet the other guy, and he’s much cooler.

The strength behind the walls is fueled by the fear of rejection. The fear of not being liked. I realize how silly it may sound, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s real, that it’s a part of who I am. A part I want to change, but a part of me nonetheless. Do you know that I have never been rejected by a girl? That’s because I wont try ANYTHING without being 100% sure that I wont be rejected. And that’s probably the reason why I’ve only had two actual girlfriends in my entire existence. But seriously, with both of them, I didn’t go to second base (I’m not actually sure what the bases are, I am referring to the grabbing of the boobs), I was dragged to it. I didn’t wanna be rejected of it, so it actually turned out that way; my hand was slowly guided to their right boob, and that actually happened with these two different girls. I used to think that grabbing boobs was just a fun activity guys enjoyed doing, but ever since that second girl guided my hand I learned that it’s actually very pleasurable for the woman. (See?!? My freaking doctor knows nothing…ADD I tell you, ADD)

My point is, I know what’s wrong with me. I am in no way, shape, or form asking you to help me, or to fix me. All I want is for you to be as honest with me as you can, as open minded as possible, and a lot of patience wouldn’t hurt. I absolutely hate giving myself praises, unless I do it as a joke, but if you ask any of the people that have gotten to know the real me, they can tell you that I am a great friend. And this friend right here, wants to be YOUR friend. So if you think I’m quiet and shy, just remember that you can meet me once again.